Please Hammer, don’t surprise them

If you’re reading this then I can safely assume that you survived your New Year’s Eve celebration. And while I’m sure spending the night dodging drunken ne’er-do-wells and tracking down that one friend that seemingly DEMANDS to wander away from the group in tears for reasons passing understanding might seem like a true test of your New Year’s mettle – I can assure you, the real test has only begun.

For now you have jumped from the Party Pan and into the Resolution Fire!

I really tried to make that second one alliterative, trust me.

As you read this it is the sixth of January. By now your Facebook news feed has been clogged with updates about people resolving to quit smoking/lose weight/drink less/drink more/skydive/be the best me I can be.


Resolutions are goals designed to fail. If you make a goal and thoroughly fail in your attempt then your people might say “What? You really should have stuck with that, why did you quit?”

And who needs that kind of judgement? I knew I shouldn’t have told my friends I was trying to get my falconer’s license.

Side note: Falcons are not inclined to carry bottles from your fridge to your hand; they are, however, quite easily inclined to scratch you. Deep.

Let’s say I made a “resolution” to get my falconer’s license. Now, as soon as I bail on the bird for delivering its third dead mouse and not even OFFERING to share, my people would say “Oh, that’s fine! Everybody gives up on resolutions, I know I did. Now, pass the butter please, this falcon is a little dry.”

So as you wade through the deluge of pointless resolutions it is important to remember that, while a person CAN change, most won’t. Some things just aren’t going to change and should just be accepted as fact.

Late night commercials will always advertise pointless products and I will always buy them.

Andy Rooney will continue to write his column despite the minor inconvenience of having been dead since 2011.

CNN will continue its downward spiral into irrelevancy unabated.

Case in point, CNN.

My New Year’s Eve party this year consisted of myself and my friend Amanda, watching television and mocking most/everything we saw. It was great.

ABC was playing some kind of concert featuring “musicians” that made us feel as if we were rapidly aging.

FOX offered a condensed version of their entire programming lineup by showing an overly patriotic country western concert/lingerie fashion show in Las Vegas.

NBC spent about $130 on their “New Year’s Spectacular” of which the highlight was Jay Leno telling Carson Daly that he was his real father. It was as funny as Leno has ever been, and it wasn’t funny at all.

Which leads us to the great waste of money that is CNN. After peering through their indecipherable mosaic of hashtags suggestions, tweets, emails, weather graphics, and swirling CNN logo I?was able to make out that Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin were atop some kind of scaffolding, both looking offscreen to an unseen producer, not talking to the camera.

Perfect. I’ve seen community college television shows with more professionalism.

And if that had been the end of CNN’s New Year’s Eve Embarrassment-athon it would have been more than enough. But then we all got a little treat to kick off 2013, and that’s treat name was M.C. Hammer.

Hammer, apparently taking some time away from developing his revolutionary “deep search” engine WireDoo (totally real) has taken to performing with singing sensation/fellow sideways dance enthusiast Psy, of Gangnam Style fame.

So one of the most popular performers in the world was playing a concert in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, and he brought M.C. Hammer along with him. After the concert, which was shown on a much more popular network, Psy and Hammer decided to do a surprise drop in on the CNN broadcast.

And I do believe this was a true surprise, as it turns out CNN’s Anderson Cooper doesn’t know who M.C. Hammer is.

Cooper spends a few minutes attempting to talk to Psy, all the while awkwardly looking over at M.C. Hammer who I believe Cooper thinks is a backup dancer. He spends the better part of a solid minute trying not to make eye contact with M.C. Hammer (who spends most of his time looking directly into the camera, in disbelief), looks away, and then thanks them when they leave.

And all the while this train wreck is occurring the following exchange occurs between Griffin and Psy, and this is verbatim.

Kathy Griffin: “There’s money coming out of your butt at this point, isn’t there?”

Psy: “That means a lot coming from you.”

Then, there was a two minute interruption to announce that the Senate had voted in favor of a bill to avoid the dreaded Fiscal Cliff. Then it was right back to the unintentional comic stylings of Kathy G and The Coop.

Endless hours of awkward celebrity prattle, followed by mere minutes of actual news. Some things never change.

Happy New Year everybody!

Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Sunday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don’t necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or