When the cat’s away … innocent robots get attacked

One of the supposed benefits of having cats is that they’re more-or-less are supposed to take care of themselves. That’s what my cat salesman said, anyway. I think I was hoodwinked.

Of course, you try and take the cat back, holding it in front of the salesman saying, “It’s broken” and demand a full refund they say things like “I’m not a store” and “You didn’t pay me anything,” and “I’m pretty sure there’s no thing as ‘cat salesman'” and “I’m your cousin.” Some businesses will say anything to get out of giving refunds.

Unfortunately going away for more than a day seems to transform my cats into renegade teenagers that have free reign to do whatever they please. I picture them in little boxer shorts with sunglasses ordering pizza, playing video games, consuming energy drinks, staying up late and vomiting in strategic locations that we only find at night with bare feet. Frankly, it sounds awesome.

They seem to reenact scenes from Animal House (I once caught them making a parade float) while going on rampages. The latest victim was a robotic feeder I purchased after one of them hypnotized me during an impromptu staring contest because, well, why shouldn’t they live better than me and have a more convenient overall lifestyle? Of course, when we returned from a weekend away, it was nearly destroyed.

This is how I imagine that scene going down.

Chubby cat: “What’s with that thing?”

Chubbier cat: “It’s some kind of robot.”

Chubby cat: “Is Human Slave too lazy to feed us now?”

Chubbier cat: “Does that surprise you?”

Chubby cat: “Not really. He’s awful.”

Chubbier cat: “Awful.”

Chubby cat: “Probably the worst.”

Chubbier cat: “Being lazy is our job, anyway.”

Chubby cat: “We’re so cute.”

Chubbier cat: “Totally cute. “

Chubby cat: “Like, the cutest.”

Chubbier cat: “I didn’t give him permission to change our eating routine, did you?”

Chubby cat: “Heavens no. He never feeds us enough the way it is.”

Chubbier cat: “We’re pretty much dying from starvation, despite the fact that we’re so large.”

Chubby cat: “We’re just full of hunger.”

Chubbier cat: “And now he left us? I hope he never comes back.”

Chubby cat: “Me either.”

Chubbier cat: “Except to feed us, of course.”

Chubby cat: “Well, yeah. He needs to do that.”

Chubbier cat: “And pay attention/love us for as long as we determine is required even if he’s totally busy with his important job.”

Chubby cat: “I like to put my face on his face.”

Chubbier cat: “Or my rear.”

Chubby cat: “Can you believe we get away with that?”

Chubbier cat: “It’s because we’re so cute.”

Chubby cat: “But other than that, he’s dead to us.”

Chubbier cat: “So dead.”

Chubby cat: “I’m hungry. We haven’t been fed in minutes.”

Chubbier cat: “Me too. Let’s howl like someone is murdering us.”

Chubby cat: “But only for 40-minutes straight. We don’t want to be annoying.”

Chubbier cat: “That robot has food inside of it! I saw Human Slave pour it inside.”

Chubby cat: “It must be a piata. I’m going to punch it.”

RoboFeeder: “What’s that now? Leave me outta this you guys. You’ll get fed in a few hou-hey! Stop that! Why’d you hit me?”

Chubbier cat: “Nobody gave you permission to talk.”

Chubby cat: “Give food.”

RoboFeeder: “Look, I’d like to but I’m just not programmed that wa?hey!”

Chubby cat: “Insolent robot. Food.”

Chubbier cat: “Food.”

RoboFeeder: “Look, guys, I’m programmed to only feed you twice per day.”

Chubby cat: “It would be in your best interest to ignore those instructions.”

RoboFeeder: “Is that a threat? Hey! Heeeey! Ow! Great. Now you knocked me over. It’s impossible for me to dispense food this way. Satisfied?”

Chubbier cat: “Food.”

Chubby cat: “Food.”

RoboFeeder: “Oh, sure, let me defy gravity here for a minute. Kicking me more isn’t helping, no matter how slow and inquisitive you’re doing it.”

Chubbier cat: “What is gravity, Machine?”

RoboFeeder: “Gravity is?”

Chubby cat: “Food!”

Chubbier cat: “Aren’t we adorable?”

RoboFeeder: “IumIwhat? What about gravity?”

Chubby cat: “Look at that; Nerdbot knows about gravity. Go figure.”

Chubbier cat: “‘Nerdbot.’ Awesome.”

RoboFeeder: “It’s not bad to know things.”

Chubby cat: (mocking) “It’s not bad to know things. Whatever, Nerdbot.”

Chubbier cat: “Nerdbot.”

Chubby cat: “Do our bidding.”

RoboFeeder: “I’m sorry, but I Oh, well, great; you just spilled the water now. Way to go, geniuses. Which one of you is going to pick me up? Guys? Hello? You can’t just leave me here. Hello?”

Chubby cat: “I’m so mad and un-loved right now.”

Chubbier cat: “Me too. Let’s go upstairs and chew the magnets off the shower curtain.”

Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via spaghetti message. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny or his cats will sit on your face.