Delivery debacles await fans of ‘Jumanji’

My dear readers, I?ask you to ponder a hypothetical.

Let’s say you’re a debonair Copy Editor who’s rapier wit and roguish charms fuel his fast paced lifestyle.

And let’s say that, at some point during the blurred days of crafting high minded satire and dodging the torrent of requests from other well known celebrities, you realize you left your “Jumanji” DVD at Wal-Mart.

I know what you’re thinking: Why not get the Blu Ray? Well until they decide to release a COMPLETE audio commentary track, one that includes long time Jack-of-No-Traits David Allen Grier, then I’ll just keep my $13, thank you very much.

So, as this hypothetical and rakishly handsome Copy Editor, what are you to do?

Return to the store? But I was just there! I didn’t come all this way just to go back to where I was! What is this, a Greek epic?

Wait 15 minutes until they start showing it on TV? Sure, I could do that. But then I’ll have to contend with commercials, on-screen advertisements and censorship. According to IMDB’s Parent’s Guide for “Jumanji” the movie contains “infrequent mild language” which I’m certain is integral to the plot and would be immediately cut by some draconian Standards and Practices jackboot.

Since all conceivable options have been exhausted (and I won’t dignify the ‘watch something that isn’t “Jumanji”‘ option with an answer) the only other option is to purchase the movie, once again.

And since I cannot leave my house, for reasons previously stated, it leaves only “delivery” as an option.

Yes, I could download the movie; but since I’ve never figured out how to play an audio commentary track and/or pay for a movie online then I will require a physical copy.

But who to call to assist me in this most dire hour of need? A friend? A family member? A professional delivery driver?

How about a total stranger that just so happened to be at Wal-Mart who now has my address, my name, and my “Jumanji?”

Sound like a foolish idea? Sound legally questionable? Sound like exactly what Wal-Mart plans to do over the next few years?

You know it!

Yes the People’s Republic of Wal-Mart has decided to offer a new at-home delivery service for people who prefer to shop on Wal-Mart’s website as opposed to those that like to wait in line for hours behind a man buying so much canned soup and bottled water that you just know he thinks President Obama is the Antichrist.

Delivery is all well and good, but won’t that add precious cents to the rock bottom prices that have come to define the Big Blue Box? Ha! If it’s one thing Wal-Mart does well, other than employ about a quarter of the population of China, it’s saving money.

How do you save money on a fleet of delivery drivers? Simple: Don’t hire any.

Wal-Mart is rolling back delivery drivers to the point of non-existence and replacing them with … anybody.


In a veritable deluge of forethought and practicality Wal-Mart will now offer what I’m sure is a substantial rebate to anyone who is willing to drop your recently ordered stuff off at your house. All they have to do is give this total stranger your already-purchased belongings, give them your address, and make them promise to drive over there right away.

I don’t see what could possibly go wrong. I’ll be enjoying my online purchase in no time! All I have to do is wait for the police to trace my credit card numbers, discover the true identity of the man that was supposed to deliver my order, and then recover my body.

And they really think we’re going to go through all that just to avoid going back to Wal-Mart to get another copy of “Jumanji?”

Yeah, I’ll probably do it too. I just hope they don’t send bottled water/Antichrist Obama guy; those people have ZERO sense of humor.