Photoshopping yourself back to the 90s

They’re remaking “Friends.”

No, let me rephrase; they are making a “Friends” reunion. Remaking the show is what NBC has been doing for the last 18 years. I?know I?can’t be the only person that remembers “The Single Guy,” right?

So the rumor mill kicked into overdrive last week when a picture of a poster, allegedly for the “Friends” reunion movie … TV special … it didn’t really say … started floating around online.

And people immediately lost their mind.

“Oh, a reunion of “Friends?” I loved “Friends,” I can’t wait to see where they all ended up!

Here’s where they all ended up: Matthew Perry has a new terrible show on NBC, Courtney Cox has a terrible show that I?think finally landed on TBS of all places, Matt LeBlanc is on a terrible show on Showtime, Jennifer Aniston has ALL the money, Lisa Kudrow is still a criminally underrated comedic actress and, if there is any justice in the universe, David Schwimmer is somewhere eating out of a dumpster.

So the “Nostalgia First” party gets all loopy about the perceived inevitability of the reunion of the only people that talked to them on a Thursday night and rushes to the Internet demanding details; somehow transforming this single image of a poster into a news story.

Small problem: No one told the series creator Marta Kauffman.

Ms. Kauffman made a statement on the gold standard of celebrity “news,” the E! network, and said that 1) there will be no reunion and 2) you people need to watch something new and better on TV. Might I suggest “Breaking Bad?”

OK, I added the second part. But honestly, you’re getting excited about a fake “Friends” reunion? Have you even SEEN “Breaking Bad?”

With the nation reeling in the wake of Ms. Kauffman’s revelation the legion of “Friends” fans were demanding answers.

“How could we have been so foolish?

“So where did that poster come from?”

“Don’t you guys miss the 90s? Remember Windows 95? Wasn’t that awesome?”

To be fair the third question is less a question and moreso irrefutable proof that this person uses AOL to this day. Go ahead, ask for their email address. I’ll bet you it ends in either or; it might as well be Odysseus@stonetablet.old.

Now, as for the second question, the online response hoisted the blame on that greater enabler of lies, Photoshop.

Ah, Photoshop. One of the few programs ever to achieve “verb” status in the English lexicon (when was the last time you heard some say ‘Oh, he must have Microsoft Worded it?’) this once proud tool of touching up color levels and eliminating redeye now stand amongst a veritable rogue’s gallery of international criminals and tyrants.

Iran, assuming that no one outside of their country has access to a computer, decided to photoshop an extra missile into a press release about how they have a lot of missiles.

Iran, again, gave up on duplicating things and just started wholly fabricating images in photoshop, creating a picture of their new “stealth fighter” flying over Mt. Damavand in Iran.

Stock picture of the mountain. And the plane never got off the ground.

North Korea … ugh. Remember last month when they were caught in their own photoshop gaffe? Their Fearless Leader decided to release “intimidating” and “totally accurate” photos of a recent training exercise. The problem? Not enough reality, and too many hovercrafts.

And now this most heinous of programs has been used to dupe millions of unsuspecting anachronisms into thinking … no … BELIEVING that they could be so lucky as to see a reunion of “Friends” in their lifetime? What is to be done?

You know what? Don’t blame Photoshop. As someone who uses Photoshop every single day of his life, the program is not to blame; frankly it should be commended for exposing enemy military posturing as well as any CIA agent.

And for you “Friends” reunion mourners out there: give it up. Aside from the fact that the show will run in syndication from now until the end of time it is currently 2013 and there are better things on TV.

But if you still can’t accept modernity why don’t you just throw on a flannel, put on some R.E.M. and boot up your old Windows 95 machine.

What’s that? You forgot how to work your ludicrously outdated computer? No one blames you; who could be expected to still care about something that old? And don’t worry, I know of an “Intro to Windows 95” video somebody put online … starring Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry.

Just let that sink in.