Conflicting conspiracies creates confusion

So it turns out that President Obama has, once again, proven that he is some kind of alien overlord. Or secret despot. Or something. I’ve been hearing a lot of conflicting conspiracy theories lately.

This is mostly due to spending entirely too much time on Glenn Beck’s Blaze TV; but where else am I supposed to go to get up-to- the-minute coverage on Obama’s secret plan to destabilize the Middle East by staging fake riots at our embassies … wait … wait … that story was from last year.

Obama’s secret plan, at least his CURRENT secret plan, is to lie about the embassy attacks because he was secretly buying back Stinger missiles from al-Qaeda so he could … I don’t even know anymore.

I’m not sure why anyone, anywhere would expend the energy necessary to make up new problems for the Obama administration, just wait a couple days and I’m sure they’ll get caught on something else ridiculous and tragic and stupefyingly arrogant.

Don’t get me wrong, President Obama and the White House hardly hold the patent on arrogance in Washington D.C., but when you just gank a couple months of phone records and emails from the Associated Press and the only reason you offer is the legal equivalent of “because we felt like it” the rest of us can all see just how high the bar has been raised.

Nobody is saying President Obama has had an easy time in the White House following Bush the Second’s years, what with coming into an economic recession, two wars still raging and having to reset all the Oval Office phones so they actually ring, rather than play the opening bars of “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”

But that was five years ago.

What happened to the “Hope and Change?” Where are the legions of operatives, agents and whatever other fancy word you give to a college freshmen with a clipboard, calling me at all hours of the day asking if I had voted? Where is the candidate that we Iowans came out to support and defend in 2008?

Lately the only people defending the president are tone-deaf zealots and the entirety of MSNBC’s evening lineup.

Not exactly a Steel Curtain caliber defense.

So, it turns out President Obama has gone from an unattainably high symbol of American greatness to just another faulty president, perhaps one with more in common with our previous president than anyone would like to admit.

And what can be done? Sure, some people are talking about impeaching the president, but that’s foolhardy at best. We’re talking about violating the public’s trust, stealing from journalists and using the mechanisms of government to impede the efforts of your political enemies; not NEARLY as serious as a sex scandal.

With a fair and judicious examination of these scandals by the House of Representatives, somewhere below “alien invasion” on the probability scale, it looks like there really is only one solution to this problem: there is no problem.

I know, I know, it sounds like something from “The Matrix,” but hear me out.

Ever since this rapid succession of scandals started a few weeks ago what has happened? Well, the GOP has been successfully losing its mind over the chance to launch investigation after investigation into the White House’s activity and let these investigations preempt any actual governing in the House or Senate.

You know, like all those other times since 2009.

And even though the Republicans have a pretty good case against the Obama administration regarding most of their recent charges, nobody cares. Because after five years in the echo chamber filled with nothing but Kenyan, Muslim, Socialist, Marxist, bad basketball player (I’ve seen the tape!) when something real happens, nobody cares.

All the while, the president’s approval ratings have been climbing during the past few weeks to their highest point of the year; sure, it’s only 50 percent, but in politics, getting half the people to approve of you is considered a win.

So to the Republicans out there, maybe it’s time to exert a little control over what nonsense comes out of your party’s members; you never know when there’s going to be a real scandal to yell about. And to the president: Please don’t steal my emails. Not that there is anything important on there, I just don’t want the government to know how much time I spend arguing with strangers about “Game of Thrones.” It’s … it’s embarrassing.