In this corner: Donald ‘The Coif’ Trump!
I remember seeing Ashely Judd once. As in, “real-life Ashely Judd,” not “I was watching ‘Heat’ and saw Ashely Judd.”
It was sometime last September. She was in Mtown with a guy named Ben McKenzie, who I’m told was an actor from something called “The O.C.,” to talk to democratic supporters about getting the vote out for then presidential hopeful and current presidential disappointment Barack Obama.
Now, I loathe campaign season for its abundance of patronizing campaign commercials and slew of national news organizations that REFUSE to watch my demo reel for specious reasons like “we don’t have a laserdisc player anymore … how did you even record this?”
But one of the few upsides is the sudden appearance of B-list celebrities, more than willing to tell us about how the future of the country rests on our shoulders; therefore we should all donate money … lots of money … more money than that … you liked “Kiss the Girls,” right? Where’s your checkbook?
But during the non-election times, when our quite state once again goes back to being ignored by every major media outlet save for network news’ annual “look what people in the Midwest will eat if you fry it and put it on a stick” story it can be a little hard to score a decent celebrity sighting.
You’re best bet is probably going to be professional wrestling.
Yes, those people. The people with the face paint and the yelling and the parents that are trying their hardest but just can’t stop the kid from jumping on his bed well into his 20s; these people get to see celebrities all the time. Pro wrestling shows happen around here with a greater frequency than big-name concerts and presidential elections combined.
OK, wrestlers might not be celebrities in the objective sense. But to the wrestling fan weirdos of the world these guys are bigger than life, of course that might just be the steroids.
Well, what if I told you that Iowa was soon to play host to a man who bridges the equally ridiculous worlds of presidential politics AND professional wrestling, and that the whole event was wrapped up in an disingenuous veneer of “family” (read: not gay families) values?
That’s right folks; Big Bob Vander Plaats has announced that his creepy collection of “family” super PACs, lead by the Family Leader, will be hosting paragon of family values and 2013 WWE Hall of Fame inductee Donald Trump at the Family Leadership Summit in August!
Quick aside: When you spell Big Bobby’s Super PAC you’re supposed to type it as The FAMiLY LEADER. I don’t know why Buffalo Bob thought that aping Apple’s style 15 years too late was a good idea, especially because that guy has always given off a real Windows Millenium Edition feel. But this means that if The FAMiLY LEADER does anything you’re supposed to capitalize the rest of the words: i.e. The FAMiLY LEADERSHIP SUMMIT, The FAMiLY LEADER’S BANKRUPTCY FILING, The FAMiLY LEADER’S OFFICIAL APOLOGY TO THE PEOPLE OF MONGOLIA; it’s just cumbersome at best. Time for a font change Bobby, I’m thinking wingdings.
You read it here folks, Donald “Don’t touch the hair” Trump is going to be speaking at Bingo Bobo’s leadership summit, the goal of which is to, according to the website: “Educate and mobilize the conservative base regarding worldview application and issues that impact the family.”
Bobo continues, speaking about Mr. Trump’s qualifications: “His solutions to ‘righting the ship’ regarding international trade and, especially, our relationship with China will inspire all attendees. The fact that he has chosen our Summit for his inaugural appearance to Iowa is an honor.”
And what an inaugural event it will be! Especially since Mr. Trump’s original inaugural appearance was supposed to be at the Iowa GOP’s Lincoln Dinner in 2011; I can only assume he was called away when his secret team of private investigators uncovered more mysterious evidence about President Obama that Trump will never release.
And Trump will be perfect for dealing with China! As he so eloquently stated in a 2011 speech about adding protectionist tariffs to Chinese products “Listen you mother******s, I’m gonna tax you 25 percent.”
And what says “Family Values” quite like ditching out of a dinner and cursing out the Chinese?
I’m glad to see Big Bob has finally wised up, ditched the whole “one crazy man in an RV yelling at Supreme Court Justices” thing and embraced the kind of showmanship that only a WWE Hall of Famer can provide. Let those OTHER people have their “principals,” however misguided and bizarre they may be; nothing like “principals” is going to slow you down Bobby! Maybe this will be the last, big media push you need to lose a gubernatorial primary, one more time.
And in case you were wondering: Trump was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame on April 6, 2013 for winning the “Battle of the Billionaires” and defeating a Rosie O’Donnell impersonator. All of that is true. I can’t wait until August.
Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Sunday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don’t necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or firstname.lastname@example.org.