Guest column: Outta my way people
On occasion I take a break from dropping my traditional knowledge bombs in this space and turn it over to those people we all know quite well. This week from the files of People You Love To Hate I have the pleasure to introduce That Guy That Gets Up And Tries To Get Off The Plane The Moment It Stops. This overeager gentleman traditional?
-enough of that. They get the idea. I got things to do, capice? Things like Getting Off The Plane Right Now. OMG! The wheels just touched down!
So, how are you all doing? Haha, I don’t care.
It’s hard to care when you’re so JACKED TO GET OFF THIS BIRD like I am. Wait, shaddup you guys. Shh! Was that the “bing” signaling we can remove our seat belts? No? Okay I guess I’ll just sit back down.
Haha, just kidding. Mine is already off. As far as I’m concerned the moment the wheels touch the ground it’s “Go Time! ” Go Time! consists of mainly pounding a Red Bull and doing a lot of fidgeting, like I’m about to be inserted into the last 30 seconds of NBA Finals Game 7 (of all the days to forget my Velcro rip-away swishy pants!). It also consists of standing up. Standing up immediately gets you in the “ready” position.You don’t see HIGHLY TRAINED Olympic sprinters getting into the blocks a couple of seconds before the gun goes off, do you? Of course not, dumbface. I can’t believe you’re just sitting there like a patient human being. You’re wasting your time and, even worse, MY time, which is probably 40 gazillion times more valuable.
You should really get the bag you stored under the seat in front of you ready. Just some helpful advice from an expert de-planer. And, honestly, it’s for your own safety; I’m going to be hurdling you if you’re not pressed uncomfortably up against the passenger in front of you. What I’m saying is you should be able to stick your tongue out and lick their neck without moving your head. That’s how I measure, anyway, if I’m not wedging myself around them in the aisle like a maniac.
As I place one hand on the underside of the overhead bins and the other on the headrest of my seat like I’m Hugh Freaking Hefner I just have one question for you, still-sitting-seatmate, do you like the way my crotch just sort of dangles there in front of your face? If you think about it, it’s kind of like a sleeping bat. Oh, sure, you can pretend you don’t see it and stare down or straight ahead, but it can’t escape your peripheral vision. Bask in its glory. Yeah, you’re welcome.
WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?!
Why do I need to get off so fast? Clearly, I’m very important. You can tell by the way I’m wearing my sunglasses inside.
SERIOUSLY. It’s been two minutes and six seconds since the wheels touched down and nobody else is even unbuckled; I know because I’ve been timing on my iPhone. Yeah, they didn’t say I could turn it on yet but you should know by now I don’t play by the rules. I’m like the Martin Riggs of this flight. Everybody else is Joe Pesci.
I got it all planned out, my route that is. After I butt you in the face because, let’s face it, you’re going to slow me down, I’m going to step over that kid and stiff-arm that elderly lady that you KNOW is going to just take forever moving.
THE OVERHEAD LIGHTS ARE ON!!
It’s time to retrieve the annoyingly oversized bag I jammed into the overhead bin using some businessman’s briefcase as a hammer. Let me reach over you here. Don’t mind my uncomfortable reaching; I’m just getting all up in your business (yes, I have lovely breath, that’s because of my garlic, mayonnaise and eggplant sandwich I brought with me. It was a little warm by the time I ate it, but who cares? Not me). I’m making up for it by being very awkward and unsuccessful.
Got it! Whoops. Kinda dropped it there. I guess I couldn’t one-arm the 900-pound thing, which is weird because I hold down mattresses on top of my Trans Am all the time. Yeah, my bag is heavy. I have IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS in there.
Look, that kid’s gonna be alright. I’m pretty sure his head was misshapen anyway. Plus, concussions are good for you. They toughen you up; let you know life’s hard and you’re either a wolf that gets off this plane RIGHT NOW or a sheep that gets crotch-faced and trampled on by the wolf. Time to find out who’s who.
I’m totally going to get off of this thing 30 seconds faster than anyone else in this row, you can count on that.
Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at email@example.com or via cockpit announcement acted out by flight attendant. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny or he’ll steal all of your canned goods.