Seahawks, the Illuminati and Klitschko

As I write this only four scant days have passed since whatever that was that they called the Super Bowl this year.

The ludicrous safety. The kick off return. The impenetrable Seahawks defense. All in all less of a great game and more a chance to watch a great team take another great team apart at the seams … plus some commercials.

The accusations are still flying at the Broncos, with Peyton Manning handling them with all the aplomb of a man that can keep his cool in public and I’m certain has more than one fist-sized hole in the walls of his home.

The most hilarious of accusations comes from Youtube, naturally, where you can hear about how the Broncos lost because the Seahawks’ logo looks like an Egyptian deity named Horus and … something about owls being secret signs for the Illuminati, and Bruno Mars is apparently a puppet of a vast international conspiracy to take over the world.

I’m sure the Chili Peppers would have been asked to be in the conspiracy too, but first they need to plug their instruments back in.

And so, following a 43-8 slobberknocker that may or may not have been controlled by fascist space aliens (Youtube is the greatest form of free entertainment, ever) we close the book on another season of football.


Football is one of only two sports I actively enjoy watching. I can’t get into the NBA (slow, flopping) or baseball (slow, obsessed with its own history) or hockey (WAY too fast to even see the puck) and I’m not listing soccer because soccer is not a real sport.

Fortunately I still have my other favorite sport to watch, boxing.

Pompous, visceral and wholly owned by the mob, boxing is an amazing spectator sport, so long as the match lasts longer than the first round.

The only problem is one of my favorite boxers, WBC heavyweight boxing champion and Champion Emeritus Vitali Klitschko has decided to become an opposition leader in Europe’s live action recreation of “Mad Max” known as the Ukraine.

Great. That’s all well and good for them, but how does that help me watch a good boxing match?

Sure, his brother and current WBA, WBO, IBO, IBF and The Ring title holder Wladimir Klitschko has a mandatory challenge fight, but that’s not until April, at the earliest.

So I was surprised to hear that there was another boxing match, announced on Wednesday, that was important enough to warrant a CNN news alert, an honor normally reserved for all matters presidential/Beiber.

So who’s on the card? Somebody new? Maybe one of the old greats is coming out of retirement for another fight? Foreman did it, maybe Lennox Lewis is coming back?

And the fighters are: DMX … and George Zimmerman.

Yeah, THAT George Zimmerman. There are no other DMX’s you could possibly confuse this DMX with, except maybe the one that had a career back in the 90s.

This “fight” was orchestrated by none other than professional sleezebag, and former boxer, Damon Feldman.

If you haven’t heard of Damon Feldman I’m sure you’ve heard of his most wretched of off-spring, Celebrity Boxing.

Whether organizing a boxing match between the guy who played Horshack on “Welcome Back, Kotter” and the guy who played Screech on “Saved by the Bell” or hanging out with his close personal friend Michael “Lyndsey Lohan’s Dad” Lohan, Damon Feldman is ready, willing and able to dump a few thousand dollars on the denizens of Celebrity Skid Row (that’s the street in front of Dr. Drew’s house), lace up some gloves, and give you the honor of watching the blood fly for the low, low price of $49.99 and a small piece of your self respect.

You think Feldman owns some kind of creepy club house where all these people hang out? Some squalid cabin in the middle of a Florida swamp, where the door is guarded by Nancy Grace and John Gosling and that creepy lady from “Dance Moms” is mixing drinks for Tom Sizemore?

Normally Damon Feldman’s own brand of sleeze would fall under the auspices of “who cares” but involving Zimmerman has got quite a few people (rightly) angered.

And what are these justifiably horrified groups doing about it? Are they cheering on the idea that DMX is somehow going to find justice via repeated blows to Zimmerman’s face?

No, at least not any serious group anyway. Boxing is sport; a great sport, obviously, but not exactly the venue for a redress of grievances. Do you know where people DO fight each other as a redress of grievances? Thunderdome.

A portion of the outraged masses have decided to set up a petition at to get the fight stopped. I’m not sure how the petition will stop this spectacle, but its worth signing to join the chorus of voices saying that we can all handle sleezy entertainment, but this has moved well beyond the bounds of taste and into the realm of the macabre and insulting.

And while you’re over at take a look at another petition; one designed to strip the NFL of its laughable “tax exempt” status. Sure, they’d probably start charging to watch all the games, but at least if I have to watch another Super Bowl like that, I can say “I want my money back!”

Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Sunday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don’t necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or