The nightly fight inside my head

You’d think that now that I have children, I’d pass out whenever given the opportunity. Unfortunately, my brain often has other ideas.

I vividly recall the nightly battles I had with my brain when my daughter was first born. It usually went something like this.

Me: “Hush. It’s time to go to sleep now.

Brain: “That’s a great idea. See you in the morning.”

[four-second pause]

Brain: “Don’t you think we should get a weapon?”

Me: “What?”

Brain: “There are people out there. Bad people. People that might want to get at our ladies.”

Me: “Why would they want to do that?”

Brain: “For ransom. I’m thinking we should get a pistol and maybe some throwing stars. A series of clever trap doors would also come in handy. I wonder how much that would cost to install.”

Me: “What? We don’t need any of that. Nobody is going to kidnap our family.”

Brain: “That’s true. You’re not that valuable or important.”

Me: “Hey!”

Brain: “Oh, do you want to think about how insignificant you are?”

Me: “Not really.”

Brain: “OK. Hey, did you know Justin Bieber is only 20 years-old and has more than $110 million?”

Me: “I really hate you.”

Brain: “Don’t worry; I’m sure your break is just around the corner. I mean, you write internet columns. It’s only a matter of time.”

Me: “Are we really up at 1 a.m. thinking about Justin Bieber?”

Brain: “Oh, let’s think about THIS now!”

Me: “I beg youno”

Brain: “Remember that time you came home with an earring and your mom asked you ‘what does that mean?'”

Me: “You don’t let me forget.”

Brain: “That was a fun day.”

Me: “I really hate you.”

Brain: “Justin Bieber has an earring! You guys have so much in common, except for, you know, the whole ‘success’ thing. Hey, do you hear her breathing?”

Me: “Iwhat? Hear WHO breathing?”

Brain: “Your daughter. Have you forgotten you have a child? You’re a horrible father.”

Me: “No, I didn’t forget. She’s SLEEPING, which is what I need to be doing.”

Brain: “She could be suffocating. RIGHT. NOW.

Me: “We go over this every night. She’s fine.”

Brain: “Wouldn’t it be better if you checked, just to make sure?

*goes off to check*

Me: “See? She’s still breathing.”

Brain: “Yeah, but what about NOW?

Me: “I’m going to drown you in Jack Daniels.”

Brain: “Was that a noise?!?”

Me: “I didn’t hear anything.”

Brain: “I’m pretty sure that’s the exact noise a lady kidnapping murderer would make.”

Me: “Wait, a kidnapper murderer who is a lady or a kidnapping murderer who nabs ladies?

Brain: “Is that her?”

Me: “The murderer?

Brain: “No, your daughter. I think she’s awake. Better go check on her.”

Me: “No. Everything is fine.”

Brain: “What happens when she gets sick?”

Me: “She’s sick?

Brain: “Probably.”

Me: “I don’t know. I don’t want to think about this. I just want to sleep!”

Brain: “You’ve never had a sick child before. Let’s think of all the diseases she could get and how ill-prepared you are for dealing with them.”

Me: “Let’s not.

Brain: “There’s the standard cold and flu, but also much more serious things like Ebola and Monkey Pox.”

Me: “How would she get Monkey Pox?!

Brain: “You don’t know the kind of kids she’s around all day. That wet one looks a little weird. Probably spent some time in a Brazilian jail.”

Me: “I could really go for a concussion right now.”

Brain: “OK, I’ll leave you alone.”

Me: “Finally!”

[30-seconds later.]

Brain: “Hey, if you were at Hogwarts, what House would you be in?”

Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications ( He can be reached at or via dangling your keys in front of his face (he loves that) . Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny for happiness and stickers.