I’ve become a human napkin

Hi, my name is Andrew and I’ve become a human napkin and I have a 2-year-old to blame for that.

You see, in lieu of a napkin when he has been eating, he just uses his dad when I’m the closest thing to him.

This issue has been compounded since he likes to sit on my lap when he eats lately and the fact he likes peanut butter toast.

You see, that can get quite messy on the hands and last week he decided to wipe those hands on my work pants.

Just a few days after that peanut butter pants incident, I had him on my lap again for another piece of toast. I thought it went quite well this time as he avoided wiping on my pants.

Well, a few minutes later as I looked in the mirror before I went out in public, I noticed several peanut butter splotches just under the collar of my T-shirt. I never realized when he did it, but it must have been him using daddy like a human napkin again. I’m glad I did look in the mirror because I never noticed when he had his peanut butter-laced hands near the front of my shirt.

OK, this doesn’t happen all the time and most of the time he grabs one of those real napkins – not a daddy napkin.

Throughout my life I’ve never been the cleanest eater and have messed up a shirt on my own a time or two. Now, if I have a mess on my shirt at least I have someone else to blame – so that is a positive of this human napkin thing.

I have to say a messy shirt isn’t that bad as I’ve never been a vain person, and at my age with young children, you care less and less about how you look.

I guess I have a new skill – one that could one day land me a job as a circus freak.

I can hear the circus worker now: “Come see the bearded lady, the giant and the human napkin.”

I guess I shouldn’t complain too much as it can always be worse. At least I’m not a human diaper.

Reporter Andrew Potter is a Tuesday columnist for the Times-Republican. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don’t necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Andrew Potter at 641-753-6611 or apotter@timesrepublican.com