Children’s songs offer awful advice, part 2

The continuation of a child protective services officer interviewing the guy that composed the song “Hush Little Baby (don’t say a word)”

“As I was saying, sir, these gifts of yours thus far have been entirely inappropriate. To recap, the gifts you’ve decided a BABY would like are: a disease-carrying aggressive bird, an expensive choking hazard, a goat, wooden cart and a bull. This makes me wonder if you know what babies are. I’m a bit afraid to ask you to keep going.”

Line: “If that cart and bull turn over, papa’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover”

Notes: What is your baby doing to these poor animals? Even if this WERE to occur, could you not wait a SECOND for the bull to stand back up and then tip the cart back onto its wheels? You’re aware that’s an option, right? You do not have to give up and buy your baby something new every time one of his toys tips over. No, I’m not saying a bull is a toy stop twisting my words.

However, after a bird, goat and BULL, a dog is the most sensible pet you’ve proposed so far. I trust you have a plan in place for disposing of all the feces? I suppose it may not be an issue of you’re disposing of the animals themselves the moment they tip over or displease you, which I’m sure won’t cause your baby any trauma. Thankfully this should be the last animal you’ll need to buy. I have a couple of dogs myself.

Line: “And if that dog named Rover won’t bark”

Notes: Let me get this straight, you WANT the dog to bark at your baby? THAT’S the sign of a “working” dog to you?

Line: “Papa’s gonna buy you a horse and cart”

Notes: Where are we, Colonial Williamsburg? I’ve about had it with you and animals and carts. I’m starting to think you’re using this baby as an excuse to feed your cart addiction. No, I don’t want to come over and see your cart collection. What in heaven’s name do you have to transport that you need all these carts? Buy a truck with all your baby ring money. Please have your stupid goat stop chewing on my crotch.

Line: “If that horse and cart fall down”

Notes: Again with the assumption that this cart will tip over? Who are you buying these from, a one-armed Amish monkey? If you have money for bulls and baby diamond rings, you can probably afford paying someone to turn over all these unstable carts you insist on buying “for your baby.”

Line: “You’ll still be the sweetest baby in town”

Notes: That’s debatable given what I’ve heard, but a nice way to end an otherwise awful song. Unfortunately this sentiment is not enough to make up for the devastating parental ignorance you’ve displayed. Bribing a child’s silence through cart-pulling animal gifts is awfully suspicious behavior. Just what are you hiding? Never mind, I suspect the authorities will discover that soon enough. I suggest getting in touch with a good lawyer. I only hope he doesn’t trip and fall in your presence.

I can’t imagine the sense of dread your family feels on Christmas morning when they look under the tree and find their names, again, on wrapping paper in the shape of carts. Good day to you, wacko.

Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via staring at your mirror and repeating his name three times backwards, followed by sending him an email and directions to your house. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny or he’ll give your baby a bull. Because, honestly, what baby wouldn’t want a bull? If your baby doesn’t want a bull, Kelly just feels sorry for you. No bull-child frivolity? What kind of parent are you to not let your child just play with a huge animal? A horrible one, that’s who. You probably don’t even have a single cart!